Solving Problems Should Be Full of Mental Struggle and Frustration
Or, people ask for advice when they need validation for something they already know
đ Hey there! My name is Abhishek. Welcome to a new edition of The Sunday Wisdom! This is the best way to learn new things with the least amount of effort.
Itâs a collection of weekly explorations and inquiries into many curiosities, such as business, human nature, society, and lifeâs big questions. My primary goal is to give you some new perspective to think about things.
We see people ready with their complaints and grievances about all the wrong thatâs happening in the world. We seldom see people who are willing to do something about it. Most of them are clueless. They are bitter, and donât care enough. They take pleasure in blaming others because it makes them feel superior.
There are another bunch of people who genuinely care, but do nothing about it, because they are waiting for others. They think that if climate change, malnutrition, poverty, illiteracy, etc., are really such big issues, then others â the government, or social workers, or philanthropists, or fellow human beings â would act.
Truth is, others wonât. Even if they do, itâs futile to depend upon others to do something that you care about.
It doesnât matter if you win or lose. It doesnât matter if you are heard or not. What matters is you do something about things that matter to you. Start a startup, join an NGO, or get into politics.
With great care comes great responsibility.
You donât have to change everything. You have to change enough â maybe just one personâs life instead of the entire village â to be able to look into the mirror and say to yourself that you didnât just sit on your ass, complain about things, and wait for others to do everything for you.
I feel a bit awkward when people ask me for advice. As somebody perpetually suffering from imposter syndrome I feel, who am I to give advice! What do I know?
On an average, I get asked at least 10 times a day for some kind of advice related to business, management, relationship, productivity, negotiation, mental health, life, etc. To make sure I donât do a sloppy job, Iâve devised a framework to give advice that Iâve polished over the years. The same framework can be used while asking for advice as well.
People generally ask for advice when they need validation for something they already know. That is okay, but it limits the extent to which an advice can be helpful.
The real purpose of advice is to help us see what we are missing â by walking around the problem, or looking at it from a different angle. While we are stuck among the tress, advice helps us see the forest.
Suppose you are holding a ball in your hand inside a moving train. From your frame of reference, the ball is static. But from somebody elseâs perspective, one who looks at you from outside the train, itâs a completely different picture. They see what you cannot see. Advice helps us realise that the ball, along with you, is moving at the speed of the train.
When people ask for advice, I consciously try to avoid giving any specific solutions. Itâs best that the person who faces the problem comes up with the solution. All I do is help them come up with some ideas, find the missing pieces, and connect the dots. Instead of solving their problems, I try to understand them instead. Therefore, giving advice, like therapy, is more about listening â not speaking.
Itâs about asking them to tell us what they see, so that they can see it again through our eyes. Itâs not just about listening to the problem at hand, but also about walking us through their thinking process. Giving advice is more like a discussion where we try to understand a situation as much as we can before proceeding further.
Even after understanding everything, I rarely give advice on the actual problem. Telling people what to do and what not to do doesnât help. Itâs their problem, and therefore itâs very important that they understand everything about it. Because unless they see and accept the problem as it really is, they wonât act upon it anyway.
For example, the quickest antipode to procrastination and lack of productivity is fixing a chunk of time for work while blocking off all kinds of distractions. Even though no sane person would disagree with it, this advice falls flat, and doesnât help the concerned person in anyway.
They already know this. Unless we help them look at it differently â for example, do they realise that avoiding distraction is equivalent to getting work done â we cannot help them.
Sometimes, the solutions are straightforward. For example, when a friend asks you how they should talk to their boss for a promotion, simply telling them the steps to follow is not good advice. Blindly following a solution creates unhealthy dependency. They should come up with their own ideas, and take responsibility for their actions, no matter how easy the solution is.
This is why itâs recommended to allow kids to struggle with their lessons. Solving problems should be full of mental struggle and frustration â be it a math problem or a life problem. The process of finding a solution is more important than the solution itself.
When we tell them what to do rather than help them figure things out themselves, we raise kids who donât know how to deal with adversity. Like the old saying goes, âGive a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetimeâ â giving advice is similar.
People often confuse advice with feedback. They arenât the same. Feedback is geared towards a solution, and comes into picture near the end. Itâs like saying, âHereâs what Iâm thinking. What do you think of that?â You are free to take or reject feedback. Advice, on the other hand is saying something like, âHey Iâm stuck. Need your help to find a direction.â
Most people donât want their problems solved by somebody else. They want to be understood and listened too. They want to solve their own problems. Giving advice is giving them the right tools, to help them see something they havenât seen before.
This is the same attitude you should take while asking for advice â from your parents, your spouse, your friends, your business partners and your investors â ask them to help you see the problem from their point of view so that you can find the solution yourself.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
1.
âBillionaire Charles âChuckâ Feeney pioneered the idea of Giving While Livingâspending most of your fortune on big, hands-on charity bets instead of funding a foundation upon death. Since you canât take it with youâwhy not give it all away, have control of where it goes and see the results with your own eyes?â
â The Billionaire Who Wanted To Die Broke⌠Is Now Officially Broke
2.
âI realised I had to finally accept the inevitable: that there was no treatment. I thought this mindset would leave me feeling completely liberated. I was wrong. With nothing left to fight, it really was just a question of waiting. The battle became emotional and mental. It has forced me to reflect.â
â At 31, I Have Just Weeks to Live. Hereâs What I Want to Pass On.
3.
âA lot of people want to replicate YC in some other industry or some other place or with some other strategy. In general, people seem to assume that: 1) although there was some degree of mystery or luck about how YC got going, it canât be that hard, and 2) if you can get it off the ground, the network effects are self-sustaining.â
â PG and Jessica
4.
âWhat keeps us happy and healthy as we go through life? In this talk, psychiatrist Robert Waldinger shares three important lessons learned from a 75-year-old study on adult development as well as some practical, old-as-the-hills wisdom on how to build a fulfilling, long life.â
5.
âPlay isnât just for funâchildren learn through play. We explain why learning through play in the early years is essential to your childâs growth and development.â
â How Kids Learn Through Play
QUOTE WORTH MENTIONING
Comforting lies deliver more clicks, viewers, listeners and profits than uncomfortable truths.
â James OâBrien, How To Be Right⌠in a World Gone WrongÂ
Before You GoâŚ
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