The Chemistry of Happiness — Part II
Or, why we need each other, even if we don’t like them
👋 Hey there! My name is Abhishek. Welcome to a new edition of The Sunday Wisdom! This is the best way to learn new things with the least amount of effort.
It’s a collection of weekly explorations and inquiries into many curiosities, such as business, human nature, society, and life’s big questions. My primary goal is to give you some new perspective to think about things.
How has your week been? This weekend I invited a friend over to my place. I had lost touch with him after college, so it was really nice to meet him after such a long time. He brought his wife, and all of us chatted for a good 4–5 hours.
Since I’ve been researching on the “feel good” chemicals of the body, it was nice to observe how our moods lifted up just by chatting on a lazy Saturday afternoon.
Note: If you find this issue valuable, can you do me a favour and click the little grey heart below my name (above)? It helps get the word out about this budding newsletter. 😍
Q: How can we design our life to optimise for happiness?
Today, let’s continue talking about happiness. In the last issue of The Sunday Wisdom, we talked about the “selfish” chemicals — endorphins and dopamine — that contribute to our overall sense of feeling good.
Endorphins numb pain and give us feelings of high so we can push harder when doing physical work. Dopamine rewards us when we make progress. If we make small progress — such as completing a lap — we get a small hit. When we achieve something significant — such as levelling up in a video game — we get a big hit.
Even though dopamine is the chemical of progress, it can easily be hijacked to reward us for all sorts of negative things — such as completing video game levels, binging on Netflix, taking drugs, watching porn.
Even if we manage to avoid all of that, selfish chemicals can only take us so far. Whether we like to admit it or not, we need each other. That’s where serotonin and oxytocin come in — the “social” chemicals. They help us progress as a species.
In Akshay Kumar’s Sooryavanshi there’s a scene where the police have to evacuate an area due to bomb threat. Since there’s not enough police, citizens help each other move out of the area. But when the hindu purohit struggles to get the ganpati idol out of the mandir by himself, the muslims from the nearby mosque rush back help him out.
This beautifully choreographed scene is designed to bring tears in your eyes, and it does! This is Bollywood melodrama at its best. I was filled with tears of joy. Certain chemicals were gushing through my veins that filled me with a sense of hope, belonging, and love for humanity.
How did that happen? How can a fictional scene from a movie make us so emotional? We’ll talk about that in today’s essay. Let’s begin!
The social chemicals — serotonin and oxytocin — make us feel valued when we are in the company of those we trust, give us the feeling of belonging, and inspire us to work for the good of others, not just ourselves.
It is because of serotonin and oxytocin that we have societies and cultures. And it is because of these chemicals we can pull together to accomplish much bigger things than if we were to face the world alone.
Serotonin is the feeling of pride. It is the feeling we get when we perceive that others like us. It makes us feel strong and confident. It raises our status, in our own eyes.
When our ancestors came back with food after a hunt and the tribe leader thanked them for feeding everybody, their serotonin level increased. As the tribe cheered for them the hunters felt a sense of pride and belonging.
Today, when I got a nice email from a subscriber telling me how much they enjoy my writing, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride as well. My work means something to others!
When you truly don’t care what anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom. This quote may sound nice on Instagram but is a recipe for disaster in real life.
As social animals, we not only want recognition from others, we need it. It’s an important part of our well-being. We want to feel valued for the effort we put forth. This motivates us to do more for others.
When we don’t feel valued in a group, our serotonin level drops drastically. Along with it decreases our sense of self-worth and confidence. This deters our overall performance.
It’s impossible to do things right when we don’t feel all right.
A child who struggles to study needs a lot of support from friends and family to level up. Otherwise it shatters their self-confidence and creates a vicious loop. Without love and support, they inherently start feeling that no matter what they do, they won’t get good grades. This is who they are and they cannot change it.
Self-proclaimed misanthropes — people who claim they don’t like the company of other people — (no matter what they say) have a deep sense of void in them. To fill this void, they depend more on the “selfish” chemicals, especially dopamine, and often not in a good way. It’s a recipe for either addiction or depression, or both.
Without serotonin, the body craves for dopamine to distract itself. Dopamine may save us from depression, but would definitely create some sort of harmful addiction.
From a biological point of view, it’s a good strategy to surround ourselves with other people.
This is the reason award ceremonies, company recognition program, and graduate ceremonies work. We don’t just get an email when we graduate, there’s a ceremony. Our parents are invited. Our efforts are recognised in front of everybody.
It feels different to hit a six alone, without spectators, compared to when a crowd cheers as the batsman drives the ball out of the boundary. Even though the accomplishment and the effort are the same, since others are not there to witness, encourage, and cheer for us, something feels off. A cricket match without a crowd is a lacklustre experience even for those watching on television.
You don’t always need a crowd to impress, a simple “thank you” from your partner for cooking lunch, or a “good job done” from your manager after you successfully deliver a project, can go a long way. They give you confidence and pride, and make you feel really good about yourself.
Serotonin makes us successful. When we do something for others, we receive respect. The greater value we provide, the more respect we receive, and the higher our status grows. This incentivises us to continue doing what we are doing and keep on giving back to the group.
Giving back doesn’t necessarily mean social work. Even when you create a YouTube video, you are creating value for others. The more they thank you (with likes, comments, shares, and subscribes), the more motivated you are to hone your craft. It’s no surprise that the best YouTubers put a tonne more effort than moderately successful YouTubers. Success begets success.
It’s very important that we strive towards something that can bring us recognition. All of us are good at something — music, singing, sports, writing, painting, cooking, etc. It’s good to work and share them so that others notice. We don’t have to become famous famous. Having even one person tell you that they love what you do can mean the world. If you think you don’t have any specific skills you are good at, it’s never too late to pick up a new hobby.
It’s not a bad thing to want fame. This desire is inherent in our DNA. It’s foolish to ignore it. Recognition, even in a tiny level, boosts confidence. This motivates us to put more effort in whatever we are doing. This is what takes humanity forward.
Oxytocin brings people together. It’s the feeling of friendship, love, motherhood, family, deep trust. It is the feeling we get when we do something nice for someone, or someone does something nice for us. It’s also the feeling we get when we see someone doing nice for somebody else.
It’s the feeling I experienced while watching the above-mentioned scene in Sooryavanshi. It’s the feeling the actors experienced while shooting the scene. Oxytocin is responsible for all the warm and fuzzies. It’s what motivates us to be generous.
Without oxytocin there would be no empathy. We wouldn’t be able to develop strong bonds of trust and friendship. We wouldn’t have anyone we could rely on to watch our backs. We wouldn’t have a partner to raise our children. Without the ability to work together, without oxytocin, human beings would have withered and perished long ago.
When asked, “What was one of your best days at work?” very few of us would recount the time when everything was going smoothly. Most of us would remember the opposite — the times when everything seemed to go wrong. We have fond memories of how we pulled caffeine-powered all nighters, worked our asses off till 5am, and barely made the deadline.
We have fun memories of struggling times not because of the personal hardship we faced but because of the shared hardship we had with each other.
More than the work we remember the camaraderie — how the group came together to get things done. How Priya went 24hrs without sleep. How, powered by pizza and coffee, Rohan got 10hrs of work done in 5. How Vinay held office hours for the whole company at 3 in the morning.
And the reason is, as you’ve guessed, oxytocin. In an effort to get us to help one another during times of struggle, our body releases oxytocin to incentivise us.
When we share hardship, we grow closer.
Oxytocin is also released on physical contact. When a doctor places a newborn on its mother’s chest in the moments after birth, oxytocin is released. The mother’s body temperature rises to create a warm, comforting place for the baby to snuggle. Skin-to-skin contact calms new babies and helps them cry less.
That warm feeling we get when we tightly hug a love one — that’s oxytocin. It is also the reason it feels nice to hold hands with someone.
Unlike dopamine, which is about instant gratification, oxytocin gives us long-lasting feelings of calm and safety. We don’t need to check in every five minutes (to see how many likes or followers we have) to feel good.
Our sense of confidence that we can face the dangers around us depend on our sense of belonging in a group. It’s unsafe to not be part of a group. A school kid who isn’t part of a crew is at a higher risk of being bullied or picked on.
It’s also unsafe to be on the periphery of a group. A cultural misfit would be the first one to go when a company downsizes. Like animals, a loner on the edge of the group is far more susceptible to dangers (from predators) than one who is safely surrounded by others.
Unlike dopamine, oxytocin takes time to release. We don’t form a strong bond with someone on the first meeting. It takes time. There are couples who say it was love at first sight, when it was just dopamine. This is also one of the reasons, “I just know s/he’s the one,” is not a good excuse to get married a week after meeting someone.
Bonding is a slow process. The more time we spend with someone, the more we are willing to make ourselves vulnerable around them; and the more we learn to trust them and earn their trust in return, the more oxytocin flows. It takes time, but it’s long-lasting. A friendship that has lasted 20 years is bound to last another 20 years at least. Oxytocin seals the bond.
Oxytocin also makes us more resistant to the addictive qualities of dopamine. The presence of oxytocin can fight withdrawal symptoms in addicts. They have a stronger chance to recover when they have their family’s support. But even after that there’s almost zero chance of recovery unless they help out a fellow addict in their journey to recovery — the last step of the twelve-step program prescribed by Alcoholics Anonymous. Helping others makes us accountable. It also releases oxytocin that keeps the craving for dopamine at bay.
Oxytocin not only wards off addiction but also help us live longer. Individuals who don’t marry are more than twice as likely to die during midlife than individuals who are married throughout their adult life. Married couples have lower levels of cancer and heart disease. Close, trusting relationships not only boost our confidence, they also help us ward of diseases.
Oxytocin really is magical stuff. It keeps us healthy. It opens our minds. It makes us better problem solvers. Leaps of greatness require the combined problem-solving ability of people who trust each other. Without oxytocin, we would only ever make short-term progress.
Strategically, it makes a lot of sense to be part of a group. You can’t fight off internal and external demons without the help of others. Generous people have an upper hand. They have a natural tendency to help out. Even if you aren’t naturally generous, doing something nice for somebody “consciously” once in a while can help. It‘ll make you a well-rounded person.
Having said that, it’s not so easy. The story doesn’t end here. There’s another force that prevents us from working with others and reaping the benefits of oxytocin. It’s cortisol — the one culprit behind all our stress and anxiety.
Even though cortisol is designed to help us, we’ve unknowingly hijacked it to work against us — kind of like what we did with dopamine. We cover this in the next issue.
Timeless Insight
If you want to improve your odds of success in life and business then define the perimeter of your circle of competence, and operate inside. Over time, work to expand that circle but never fool yourself about where it stands today, and never be afraid to say, “I don’t know,” if you are forced to play outside it.
What I’m Reading
It is human nature — aka old brain — to suspect everyone wants to steal your idea, where the reality is that you are lucky if anyone cares about your idea at all.
― Jeff Hawkins, A Thousand Brains
Tiny Thought
People join you for purpose but stay with you for impact.
Before You Go…
Thanks so much for reading! Send me ideas, questions, your favourite films. You can write to abhishek@coffeeandjunk.com, reply to this email or use the comments.
Until next Sunday,
Abhishek 👋