👋 Hey there! My name is Abhishek. Welcome to a new edition of The Sunday Wisdom! This is the best way to learn new things with the least amount of effort.
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Q: What are some lessons from Stoicism to deal with a difficult situation?
A friend of mine is having trouble at work. He comes to me for advice. Although I gave the simplest and most obvious of advice, I think this fits into a lot of life situations. Here’s a summary of his concerns:
I’m not happy where I work. There’s unnecessary bureaucracy. I took this job with a pay cut so that I could do great work. But the whole process is so convoluted here. Too much focus is on optics and ass-kissing. People try to focus on showing that they are getting things done, rather than focussing on actually getting things done.
It doesn’t look good if you don’t stay late in the office, because everybody is staying late. That’s the culture here. I was brought in to solve big problems, and contribute to the business to achieve the vision of the company. But I’m stuck doing micro-level meagre jobs that’s neither helping me in any way, nor giving me any kind of joy. Pure grunt work!
The CEO has no vision. The business has no direction. I’ve pitched my ideas, but nothing is moving. I’m stuck in a rut. Everyday has become excruciating. I cannot go on like this.
Interestingly, it’s not really a workplace problem. The setting is in the workplace, yes. But it’s a problem knowing what one can control and what one cannot control. Rather than the situation at hand, it’s about the emotional reaction to it.
Reality is seldom same as the mental image we have in our heads. Despite knowing that, we’re shocked every time we face reality. No matter how smart or how cautious our planning is, reality always finds a way to hit us in the head and beat us to the ground.
So, the sooner we get back and beat the shit out of it, the sooner we’d get rid of the anxiety and negative emotions we’re wrapped in. Stoicism offers valuable insights in this regard. The good thing is that this applies to all kinds of problems, not just work problems.
The first part of the strategy is to look at things objectively — a task easier said than done, as we often prioritise our emotional responses.
It is essential to grasp the concept that the world does not revolve around us, contrary to our subjective perception. Reality exists independently, indifferent to our individual experiences.
In the face of adversity, human beings have a tendency to dwell on our emotional reactions. To foster personal growth, it is beneficial to disentangle our emotions and comprehend the underlying dynamics at play. Rather than solely focusing on how an event made us feel, it is advisable to investigate the root cause.
For instance, if someone’s actions evoke sadness or anger, a more constructive approach involves delving into the core of the issue.
For example, you slip and fall due to friction, not due to your bad luck. Similarly, you weren’t able to crack a job because they simply found someone who’d be a better fit. Not because you’re stupid. Certainly not because they had something against you. Getting yourself out of the picture reframes the narrative from a self-centred perspective. This is essential if we want to look at things more objectively.
While it is natural to experience emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness, or anxiety in response to negative events, it cannot become a perpetual state. it is essential to acknowledge these feelings and allow yourself the necessary time to process them, but at some point you gotta move on.
The second part of the strategy realising that we cannot control everything. As clichéd as it sounds, all is not in our control. A lot of times, what we think is in our control is not in our control.
A major cause of our misery is that we often try to control what cannot be controlled. This only leads to anxiety and sadness. Nothing good can come out of it.
For example, the behaviour of your boss is not in your control. The company policy or the nation’s economic policy is not in your control. The stock market is in nobody’s control. You might be able to influence it, but you cannot dictate the outcome.
Bemoaning and becoming distraught over matters beyond our influence is a common pitfall. A single unfavourable day at work might cast a shadow over your entire life. You might start thinking that this is how it’s always going to be, felling completely helpless. This is a recipe for self-inflicted misery.
Seneca said: “There are more things likely to frighten us than there are to crush us. We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” Overestimating a situation’s impact and envisioning a bleak future is a habit that can be curtailed only by engaging in a more deliberate thought process.
If your boss insults you in public, you cannot control their behaviour. What you can do is talk to them in private, take it to the HR, or jump them in an alleyway. It’s up to you. If you think you need to get better at what you do so that you don’t give anybody any reason to rebuke you, then go do it. Identify what you can control and take back control. That’s the strategy!
It sounds very simple when you read it. But most of the time we don’t try to find ways to deal with a situation. Instead we engage in calling names, cursing the world, and blaming our fate.
If you don’t believe me, try going on for a full week without blaming or cursing anybody. It’s tough! Try to maintain a streak. Every time you fail, start over. Do it for a week.
If you can do it for 7 days straight, it’ll change your perspective about problems completely. You’ll start focussing on solutions more than blames and this can be life changing. You’ll focus more on what you can control. That’s the crux of both Buddhist and Stoic teachings.
The final and most interesting part of the strategy is learning how to exploit negative situations. Without really nailing down on the first two parts of the strategy, this part is near impossible to master. As Nassim Nicholas Taleb says: “The characteristic feature of the loser is to bemoan, in general terms, mankind’s flaws, biases, contradictions, and irrationality — without exploiting them for fun and profit.” That’s what this part of the strategy is all about — fun and profit.
You know the typical characteristics of your boss, your colleagues, or your neighbour. My question is, rather than grumbling about it, why don’t you exploit it? Not ignore it, not cope with it, not tolerate bit, but exploit it for your own gain.
This frame of mind completely changes the nature of the game. It makes you go on offence instead of playing defence. Now your goal is not only to bypass what you don’t prefer (your boss insulting you) but also benefit from it (maybe get a promotion while ruining their career).
For example, your boss understands only the language of profit and loss? You think he’s someone who doesn’t care about innovation? Then tweak your voice and tone, and propose them your ideas in their language. If you want to be heard, maybe change your pitch. If you feel your colleague only respects strong men, pretend to be strong-minded. Give them what they need and also benefit from it.
You might say, “But that’s not who I am.” The assertion, “But, that’s not who I am,” often serves as a defence mechanism when confronted with challenging social situations. If you are genuinely comfortable with yourself and have satisfied your inner scorecard, this shouldn’t bother you.
But if you believe playing this game is too much headache for you, the alternative is a pipedream: Believing that everyone else should adjust their behaviour to align with your perspective is being plain delusional. To effect change, you have to be in a position to influence others’ behaviour. There’s no easy way. This requires hard work on your part, most of which you won’t be very comfortable doing.
If you are still not convinced and you decide take the high moral ground and tell yourself that you don’t want to change yourself, it’s fair. But make sure you don’t go out looking for a shoulder to cry on every time things go wrong. And, things will go wrong more than often.
People who don’t look for solutions go nowhere. There are those who fight to win, and there are those who give excuses. You have to pick a side!
Before I end, here’s some wisdom from the great American philosopher Rocky Balboa:
Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.
But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!
Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody!
Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that!
What I’m Trying
Difficult conversations. I dread them. Especially if it’s a friend, or somebody close to me. But, more than often, we all need some tough love. Colleagues, friends, family members, children, and everybody else.
I try to write down everything I want to say or discuss in advance. This helps me have difficult conversations I’d avoid having.
Writing your thoughts help you figure out how to communicate what you want to say in a non-violent way. It’ll also help you think how to counter the arguments your counterpart would have. This will also help you not chicken out or soft-pedal during a heated conversation.
P.S. I read the notes either right before or even during the conversation.
From the Internet
How Google Discovered the Value of Surveillance. Wi-Fi–enabled and networked, the thermostat’s intricate, personalised data stores are uploaded to Google’s servers. Each thermostat comes with a “privacy policy,” a “terms-of-service agreement,” and an “end-user licensing agreement.” These reveal oppressive privacy and security consequences in which sensitive household and personal information are shared with other smart devices, unnamed personnel, and third parties for the purposes of predictive analyses and sales to other unspecified parties. Nest takes little responsibility for the security of the information it collects and none for how the other companies in its ecosystem will put those data to use.
What Really Happens vs. How The Marketing Team Talks. turnoff.us is a geek comic site. If you are a developer, you cannot help but fall in love with it.
Timeless Wisdom
Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.
— Marcus Aurelius
These words, written two millennia ago, cut to the core of what it means to live a good life. It isn’t what we say that defines our character, it’s what we do.
Aurelius was trying to remind himself to lead by example. He wrote these words to himself, for his own reflection. Centuries later, we could all use more ways to remind ourselves of this universal truth.
Before You Go…
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I’ll see you next Sunday,
Abhishek 👋
PS: All typos are intentional and I take no responsibility whatsoever! 😬