Are You a Whiner, a Victim, or an Escapist?

Or, the three types of low agency personas

There’s a certain brand of people who are perpetually bad at solving life’s problems. I’m pretty sure you know who I’m referring. They kind of have a fixed mindset. They aren’t super keen on feedback or ideas from others. And they seem to struggle with the simplest (albeit not easiest) of problems to no end.

When the chips are down, at times we tend to exhibit some of these characteristics too. But the fact is, we’re fully aware when we behave foolishly (if not in realtime, we realise that at least in retrospect). But despite our innate ability to recognise these traits in others as well as ourselves, there is a lack of a shared vocabulary to call them out so that we can realise what’s going on (hopefully having the need for a retro).

I feel calling these traits out is extremely important so that we can not only steer clear of them ourselves, but also steer clear of the very people who are pathologically conditioned to exhibit them chronically. (It’s no fun being around someone who goes in circles and circles about a problem without doing anything tangible.)

I’ve broken these characteristics down into three personas. First, we have The Whiner.

Above everything, the Whiner prefer to cry. Instead of thinking through a problem or trying to solve it, they would rather complain and bemoan the very existence of the problem. I’m pretty sure you’ve come across them. Sometimes, they are among our friends and family members.

The Whiner often sees themselves as someone special, stuck in a special set of circumstances that no one else can possibly understand or relate to. When they ask for advice, they don’t want any solutions. They just want to be sympathised with. They would rather complain and vent all day than do anything real about it.

If there’s someone in your office who complains incessantly about workload, colleagues, or office policies without actively seeking solutions; if there’s someone in your home (or perhaps, your neighbour’s home) who constantly grumbles about the difficulty of coursework, professors, and campus life; if you have a friend who views their personal issues as the most significant challenges ever faced by anyone, you know whom I’m talking about.

(Now, despite being fully aware of what they are, you may not be able to tell them about their constant whining in their face. I mean, come on, that’s rude. But if you really want to help, you can perhaps forward this essay for them so that they can read and realise. Although, if I have to be completely honest, I doubt this would help! Nobody wants to admit they are acting like a bunch of whiners. Not me. Not you. Not them.)

Okay, enough said about whiners. Next, we have The Victim.

The Victim is actually a close cousin of the Whiner. They are pals. The only difference is that instead of simply complaining about their problems, the Victim would also find someone or something to blame for the problems.

For one, the Victim constantly feels they are being held back by others from achieving their full potential. They perceive themselves as consistently disadvantaged, blaming their superiors, their relatives, their friends, the system, the government, the laws, the society, for their challenges. If not for this, they would have easily cracked a job, passed an exam, gotten a promotion, and made it big in life.

This “victim mindset” often spills into various aspects of life, hindering personal growth and resilience. They often seek special treatment. They start behaving as if others should cater to their needs without reciprocation. The Victim often expects their friends and close confidants to intuitively know what they need, creating frustration when those needs aren’t met without explicit communication.

In certain cases, they attribute their unending challenges to perceived systemic injustices, citing factors such as identity, gender, race, behaviour, tone of voice, skin colour, pee colour, whatever — even when no tangible evidence supports these claims.

Rather than introspecting if they really have the cojones to get shit done for real, their first and only response is to conclude that some form of unfairness has been directed at them. This is their primary coping mechanism.

Unable to crack a job? Complain that it’s not a meritocracy. Cannot get a promotion? Blame it on the discriminatory company culture. Didn’t win a competition? Argue that the judges were biased and didn’t recognise true talent. Didn’t get a date? Insist that society has unrealistic beauty standards. Not getting enough social media likes? Accuse the algorithm of suppressing genuine content. Do everything but take responsibility — that’s their MO.

When taken to the extreme, the Victim becomes The Woke Activist — taking to the keyboard to rage against everyone — men, women, elites, upper class, lower class, middle class, first class, non-class, what not. They typically follow a routine of assigning blame to external factors while steering clear of constructive criticism, self-reflection, or accepting any degree of personal responsibility. Woke Activists are the most toxic of the lot. Avoid them at any cost!

Lastly, we have The Escapist. The Escapist is slightly different than the rest — perhaps a little more scheming, but definitely the least irritating amongst the lot. The Escapist’s default behaviour is to live in denial. They’ll go out of their way to make sure they have a very strong alibi for their inadequacies and shortcomings. They usually don’t complain about their problems. They run away from them.

Interestingly, they always tend to have “strong” reasons for every failings. Weren’t able to prepare well for an interview? Oh, they felt really inspired to do a painting the night before. This kind of inspiration comes only once in a while, so it would have been a waste to let it go to waste. When faced with poor academic performance, they would attribute it to an intense interest in a completely unrelated subject that led them to spend excessive time on it. After all, exam results aren’t important, true learning is. Failing to earn a proper livelihood? Well, money isn’t everything. Running after money corrupts the mind. I can go on, but you get the gist.

These are those entrepreneurs who make it a prerequisite to read every business book available in the market just to appear to be entrepreneur-ing instead of actually building something. These are the job aspirants who’d enrol in numerous upskilling courses and accumulate multiple degrees just so they have a plausible-sounding reason to explain why they aren’t applying for jobs.

Escapists dread failure and rejection sooo much that they would do everything in their power to avoid them or delay them ad infinitum. They don’t have a plan. They have an alibi.

Like the Whiner and the Victim, the Escapist isn’t really aware of these traits. When confronted, they are easily offended. But when you look at what they’re doing, it’s as clear as day to anybody. None of them have access to their source code.

These are people who have Low Agency. They don’t have a lot of control in their life. These are just ways they try to cope with the problems thrown at them. Life simply happens to them and they either complain, blame, or escape.

Honestly, there’s a bit of three in all of us. We have our low moments when we bitch and moan and cry and wail. But at some point, we gotta get ourselves up, because bitching and moaning never got anything done. Things gets done only when you do something about them. It requires High Agency.

Mary Jackson was born in 1921 in Hampton, Virginia, in the US. She worked as a teacher and an Army secretary before joining the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics as a mathematician.

Even though Mary had the mind of an engineer, it was almost impossible for her to become one. It was the 1950s, and segregation and discrimination severely limited opportunities for African American women to pursue roles in engineering. Mary decided to give it a shot anyway.

It was obligatory for her to take advanced engineering courses to be able to apply for the position of an engineer, but there were no graduate-level engineering courses available to African Americans in her area. The only place available was an all-white school where she was not allowed to set foot in. So she filed a petition and lobbied for the right to attend night classes there. It was granted!

Eventually, Mary’s efforts paid off. She completed the necessary coursework and, in 1958, became the first African American female engineer at National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics. Interestingly, National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics (NACA) got rechristened to NASA the same year.

Mary Jackson’s story, along with that of Katherine Johnson and Dorothy Vaughan has been immortalised in the 2016 book and movie Hidden Figures. If you wanna talk about High Agency, it doesn’t get better than the stories of these three resilient ladies.)

The bottom line is this: There’s always gonna be problems. They world is always gonna be out to get us. When things are really really down, we often gotta assess whether we’re being a whiner, playing a victim, being an escapist, or if we’re Mary Jackson in the above story. Because, if we aren’t Mary Jackson, we gotta really work on it. There’s no alternative.

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